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  • Writer's pictureJeremy Blasco

I Train Therefore I Am - A Hard Pill to Swallow

Life has a strange way of making us grow up by showing us how shit it can get in increasing doses of shittiness. Unofficial rights of passage that we've all been through that I and the entire internet community at that, like to call "hard to swallow pills". Some come as standard and some are optional extras as you'll come to find out but they go a little bit like this:

Without any time to waste, as you eject from your mother's womb like a broken cassette, you are hung by your ankle and slapped on the ass by a stranger. Hard pill number one. Welcome to the world, it's all downhill from here.

A couple of innocent years go by, and you pick up a copy of People magazine that your mom left lying around and lo and behold, you see your first titty. This sends you into a dark rabbit hole which inevitably ends up with the realisation that your parents had sex and that you were probably a mistake. Hard pill number two. Which probably doesn't apply to the younger generation who had access to ipads and the Internet before magazines and probably know a lot more about exactly how their parents had sex. Definitely worse.

The next pill comes at various stages of life but we all get it at some point. Despite what our parents told us, unless your parents were a bag of dicks; You're not special.

Finally, have you ever noticed how old people hit a turning point in life where they become unapologetic, whole hearted assholes? They've just had the final pill. The realisation that everyone is tired of them and pretty much looking at the time, waiting for grandma or grandpa to essentially clock out.

You are currently somewhere amongst those right now and if you're reading this, chances are that you will either agree with me or hate and shun me for this next pill. Join the line.

Unless you actually BODYBUILD, you are no where close to being a bodybuilder. Read it again. Digest it. Let it sink in.

"Jezz, I train really hard, what you're saying isn't fair" - Susan from Facebook

First of all I should probably start with a disclaimer that when I say "bodybuilder" I am talking about the competitive type. So to those of you that are happy placing seventeenth "for the experience" on other people's account, you can sit this one out. You don't qualify.

Let's start at the top.

First of all, what is it about this title that tickles so many of you so profusely? I played soccer in high-school and I've never called myself a footballer. See how ludicrous that sounds?

Bodybuilding is a lot more than training. In fact, training is only the fun part. Bodybuilders love anything that will hurt and cripple them in the gym. A real bunch of sadists. Notice how I never said "we"? Why? Because 8 years of competing on stage as a men's physique athlete has made me... a men's physique athlete. 10 points if you got that right.

So you train hard? Great. I bet you eat healthy too. You sweet soul.

Define healthy. A smoothie from your favourite health bar? Maybe a chicken salad because, carbs are bad?

You see where I'm heading with this? Most people prioritise enjoyment over the function and efficacy of each meal they're putting down which is perfectly fine, if you're not a bodybuilder. Which you aren't, unless you are. I'm not even going to mention the time spent meticulously weighing out food to the gram to reach very specific macronutrient requirements that you or your coach have set out.

Now let's entertain the idea that you do infact do all of the above, for a second.

How many times have you eaten so much food that the thought of your next meal alone makes you wretch?

Conversely how many times have you felt so hungry that a task as mundane as laughing becomes difficult and yet you just let it be and follow the plan? Seriously, it's a thing.

Then there's what goes into the actual show.

Posing for example is an easy way of separating the frauds from the real ones. Don't believe me? Flex your bicep for a minute. That sucked right? Now do it with your entire body for fourty minutes at a time while making it look easy...

Then there's the tanning, where some people go from walking around with the complexion of an aspirin to looking like Wesley Snipe's anorexic cousin in a matter of minutes. Dealing with the stares alone is something in itself.

Don't get me started on the ladies. Hair, makeup, nails, jewellery, bikinis with more rocks sewn into them than a Mitchells Plain crack house on top of everything else and the never ending fear of dribbling down your leg... Have you ever had to piss through a hollowed out styrofoam cup while squating to avoid having a toilet seat branded onto your ass all day long, Susan? I think not.

Oh and depending on the level of sex change that the female bodybuilding athlete in question has gone through, you can throw in a clean shave and taping things up that should never have to be taped up.

Finally there's the rampant ped use. This one is going to come to a shock to some of you but 80% of the time, it's the common folk that are walking around more toxic than a Chernobyl reactor, not the bodybuilders. Truth is that if you are doing well in the sport, you probably don't need much to go by.

Think about it. Whenever you read a horror story of a "bodybuilder" doing some dumb shit or just hurting themselves, they always seem to have less muscle than my 84 year old grandmother, like that guy that married his blow up doll a few months ago. You never actually see a real bodybuilder there and it's simply because they're too busy eating, or sleeping, or training, or not turning themselves into a refinery.

So here we have it. Some and definitely not all the reasons why you are not a bodybuilder. Unless you are of course in which case I really don't know why you've made it this far in the post.

Hopefully this sheds some light.

Jezz the Mech. Out.

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