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  • Writer's pictureJeremy Blasco

The Idiot Guide to Caloric Allotment - A MM Hook-up

After the monumental shit storm that 2020 was, it's difficult to imagine that times could get any weirder.


2021 was one gargantuan, "hold my beer" moment. If the beer was cheap brandy and 2021 was a large intoxicated Dutchman; Gout and all. Which leaves us, the people, as the fed up wife, waiting for Dricus to pass out so that we can clean up his mess and deal with his hangover tomorrow, with a glimmer of hope that the sleep apnoea might get him this time.

10 points for a heart attack, 5 for a stroke.

The strangest part of this year is just how many people not only shot themselves in the foot but made sure that the entire limb was severed this time around.

We have Biden that sent home his troops after notifying the Taliban that he will; Leaving behind a literal army's worth of weaponry, ammunition and military bases. Bases with gyms apparently. Which is all we needed after the pandemic; Ripped terrorists with more fire power than a Protestant priest.

There was Arnie. Why Arnie? Why? This bodybuilding legend, turned terminator, turned governer, turned geriatric vegan, (makes complete sense) decided to tell everyone to, "screw" the very thing that made him, him. Great job, glad I never liked you in the first place.

And then there's me... About to tell you exactly how to execute a good part of my job as a coach and unlike Arnie, I will not be giving you the, "wrong advices".

Calculating just how much food you require to reach your goals can be at the very least, daunting and on paper this can get thorougly intricate. Revised equations and formulae that take into account your height, weight, gender, body fat, your mother's first name and your banking details, are plastered all over, waiting for you to fuck up somewhere and realise that you are in fact doomed without a nutritionist.

Well, fear no more my lovelies because I for one couldn't care less if you know how to count your calories. You are doomed without me as your coach anyway.

In reality, there is absolutely no way to accurately calculate what your daily caloric requirements are. Why? Because they will change every day, depending on your level of activity, progress and even down to the actual food that you eat. Yes, the food that you eat has a direct impact on how many calories you burn. It's abbreviated to NEAT. Look it up because I sure as hell am not about to write a dissertation here. Remember, this is for dumb folk.

So what do we do?

We stop looking at each intricate noodle and we make one big bowl of bolognese.

Gender, weight and a relative activity level. That's all you need to get started.

The pseudoscientists are fuming right now.

I should start by stating that this is a method that I adapted from the late, legend John Meadows and it has served me very well throughout the years.

For guys, I simply take their weight in pounds (that is weight in kg multiplied by 2.2) and multiply it by a factor of 15. This is usually where maintenance sits for the guys that I train.

For ladies, that factor becomes 12.

Remember that these are just estimates and in the long run will not be "end all".

If you can't sit still for 10 minutes, increase it. If you, like myself are a bit of a lazy shit, decrease it. Either way, it won't matter much.

You now have your baseline caloric intake.

Where do you go from here?

If you were about to mention a 500 calorie deficit or surplus, I officially hate you. Please leave and think about everything that has brought you to this point in life and unlearn it. Every, single, thing.

We're taking the easy route here, not the, "personalized plan for R200" option.

To gain weight, I'm looking at anything between a 10% to 20% increase in calories with, "newbies" being at the lower end and more experienced lifters being at the upper end of that scale.

To lose weight, anything between 5% to 30% decrease. Which is a huge range but it will depend vastly on your body composition and the timeline in which you wish to lose the weight. Remember, the slower, the better in this instance.

You then proceed to calculating your macronutrient intake and design a plan around that. I'll make a post about counting your macros soon enough, I need the views.

The next step is to weigh yourself and to follow your plan. Not half of it, not 90% of it, the whole thing. FOLLOW THE DAMN PLAN.

It's the easiest thing on Earth. You just don't eat what isn't on the paper. Simple.

In a week, weigh yourself under the same conditions as last week.

In the next segment on macros, I'll touch base on progress pictures and how to manipulate macronutrients according to what you see. For now, we're merely looking at weight fluctuations.

In terms of weight loss or gain, you want to be looking at anything between a 0.5kg to 1kg fluctuation per week. Any more and you might be gaining excessive bodyfat or losing some hard earned muscle. Not good.

This too goes for those on PEDs. I don't care how many dbols your two bit coach put you on, if you're piling on 5kg a week, you're getting fat and watery, end of story.

In terms of weight loss, these will be a little bit more muscle sparing than without but no where close to what some would like to believe. Again, this will come down to a time frame in which you need to lose the weight.

Finally, adjust calories to what you see fit and repeat the process until you achieve a weight fluctuation that you are happy with. Once you see that number stagnate, adjust again and keep doing that indefinitely until you reach your goal.

Need to force some food down at some point? Wellcome to real life buttercup, it's not always fun.

That's pretty much it in terms of setting up your caloric allotment.

Easy like a Sunday morning. Even you can do it.

Jezz the mech, out.

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